Jealousy is a feeling inherent even in a baby. French psychologist Henri Wallon says children nine months of age is already able to feel jealousy towards the mother. The reason for its appearance in a child is the fear of losing love, care. Childhood experiences of jealousy lays the foundation for neurotic disorders in adulthood. Therefore, it is important to understand the causes of childhood jealousy, to know how to deal with it. After all, it is on the behavior of the mother that its occurrence, intensity and duration depend.
Why and to whom are children most often jealous of their parents?
Early in their lives, children experience passive love for their mother. They take her care for granted. In early childhood, parental love is truly vital for normal development. Until the age of three, they still do not separate themselves from their mother, they perceive themselves as a part of her. Any outside encroachment on her interest takes them away from their basic sense of security. The child requires constant attention to himself, but gradually begins to understand that he cannot always achieve it. The realization that mom needs to be shared with someone generates fear of being abandoned, anger that love goes not only to him. Anxiety arises, which is accompanied by crying or screaming. The emotions of fear and anger combine to make up the feeling of jealousy.
The main reason for the appearance of such an emotion in children is the fear of losing the mother’s love. Since the mother is the most significant object, they become jealous of the dad. They will try to get attention by crying when their parents leave them to be alone. Or try to fit between them to separate them from each other. The famous psychologist Sigmund Freud described the phenomenon of childhood jealousy. He said that boys develop an Oedipus complex – when he is jealous of his mother for his father. In this case, the boy perceives his dad as a rival in the struggle for the care of his mother. In girls, it is expressed by the Electra complex. They are jealous of dad for mom, considering her as a rival. This feeling can manifest itself in both positive and negative ways. The positive form is when jealousy and love are felt at the same time. Negative – provides for the emergence of jealousy and at the same time hatred of the parent of the same sex.
It often occurs when a second baby appears in the family. Children are characterized by self-centeredness, so they do not understand why another one has appeared. The need to share love with another can be an emotional shock for a firstborn. He perceives the new family member as a substitute for himself and behaves aggressively towards him. The elder is jealous of the younger, as the latter is often given more attention. Adequate care and love will relieve children of these destructive feelings.
How to see jealousy in your child?
Its manifestation can be confused with the dissatisfaction of any other needs. Therefore, in order to recognize its signs, it is important to notice what is causing the negative reaction. In the infant, it is expressed primitively. He will scream, cry, be capricious when his mother is distracted by his father or someone else. In this case, you can calm him down only with an additional portion of attention. At the age of two, this emotion manifests itself in the form of resentment. It is characterized by pouting of lips, refusal to play, unwillingness to communicate, bad mood for no apparent reason. Jealous, first-borns become more anxious, refuse food, favorite activities, sleep restlessly.
Hyperactivity is another manifestation of this emotion. If the behavior suddenly changed from obedient to uncontrollable, this may indicate her presence. Aggression towards other family members can also indicate hidden jealousy. It is important to understand that these are not bad upbringing or character, but ways to get attention. An extreme form may be withdrawal into illness. Children notice that when they are sick, mom and dad surround them with care, love, attention. Flight into illness is characterized by an unconscious desire for illness. She is regarded as a state in which you can get enough attention and love for yourself. In addition, it can manifest itself in neurotic reactions. This can be the occurrence of tics, stuttering, phobias.
The temperament of the individual determines the behavior in case of jealousy. If the child is calm and level-headed, he may become anxious when experiencing this emotion. The likelihood of aggression is high if the individual is emotional and nervously excitable. To diagnose this feeling, you can use the method of fairy tales and stories. It is necessary to tell a story, a fairy tale, similar to the situation in the family and ask for comment on it. For example, you can write a story about a family of fabulous animals that has a mom, dad, son, or daughter. The script should tell the child that they have a new family member. Thus, the child’s reaction will manifest itself and, perhaps, the attitude to such a situation will be expressed to them voluntarily.
Should parents change their attitude towards the child?
In order for jealousy not to acquire a pathological form, it is necessary to slightly change relations in the family. At the same time, it is important not so much to change the real situation as its perception by the baby. You should not punish him for capriciousness or inappropriate behavior if this is a reaction to a lack of attention. You should not ignore this situation either – it can trigger the development of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. If this is jealousy of mom or dad, you can set aside time for games or other activities all together, make joint plans. In this case, the baby should receive the necessary attention from all family members and feel love from all of his relatives. If it arose with the appearance of a baby in the family, it is important to pay the elder as much attention as before the birth of his brother or sister. In this case, attention should not be divided, but doubled. You should also spend time not with everyone separately, but all together.
It depends on the mother’s reaction which strategy of behavior her son or daughter will choose. If the mother’s attention can be attracted by refusing to play, eating, capricious or aggressive behavior, then this strategy will persist in situations where care and attention is especially needed. If the baby realizes that he can be won by good behavior, academic success, then he will keep this strategy and use it for good. Therefore, parents should notice the manifestations of this feeling and not ignore it.